Biblical Womanhood: Trained to Love My Husband?

I have been married almost thirteen years and I have loved my husband for only about one of them. No, it wasn’t some arranged marriage or married at first sight situation. Let me explain. If you judge by the world’s measure of love, then I have always loved my husband. I did life with him, I cared about him, he is my best friend, and we have built a family together. It wasn’t until I became a Christian almost 6 years ago that I realized God's definition of love was a lot different. The very first thing we learn about God’s definition of love as Christians is usually John 3:16. Say it with me:

“For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.” - John 3:16

God describes love as being self-sacrificial. Our love is shown to others when we are willing to freely lose something, even to death, for someone else. If you’re a mother, then this concept may not seem crazy to you. Many of us will go feral if it means protecting and loving our children, but what about our husbands? When I first read Titus 2:4 in the beginning of my faith walk, I skipped past it. It says:

“...and so train the young women to love their husbands and children...” – Titus 2:4

“How odd,” I thought. Who needs to be trained in how to love their husbands? "Of course I love my husband, God, I married him!" It seemed so strange for me that God would add that Scripture in His Word. There had to be more important things for me to learn, right? About four years into my walk, God brought me a fork in the road, as I call it. He told me to make a choice on how I was going to live. Was I going to continue being one foot in and one foot out, or fully submit to Him as Lord of my life? I chose God, and it radically changed my life. The first task He put on my heart was to learn who I was as a biblical wife and mother. I dove headfirst into the Scriptures studying the wives in the Bible like Abigail (1 Samuel 25) and Sarah (Genesis 11:29- 18:20). I began meditating on the Scriptures in Proverbs like:

"He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the LORD."

Proverbs 18:19

"It is better to live in a corner of the housetop, than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife."

Proverbs 21:9

...and, of course Proverbs 31:10-31, which begins verse ten with, "An excellent wife who can find? She is far more precious than jewels."

These Scriptures then lead me to verses like Ephesians 5:22-24:

"Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands."

...then right back to Titus 2:3-5:

Titus 2:3-5

I understood that I need to submit to my husband’s authority as head of our household. I understood that I should have kind and wise speech, that I shouldn’t nag him, and that as a good wife, I would be the crown to my husband. I clearly heard the orders to be reverent, not slander, be self- controlled, pure and a good worker in my home. However, I still felt like verse four was just unnecessary for me. I already loved my husband, so I again skipped over that.

I began reading books like The Excellent Wife by Martha Peace and Created to be His Help Meet by Debi Pearl. I learned a lot about what it means to be in our wonderful role as wives. How blessed we are that God would entrust us with such a powerful and beautiful role. If you haven’t read these books, I highly recommend them. The Excellent Wife especially radically transformed the way I relate to my husband and our marriage changed in the best way! I really thought I had figured it out. I was supportive, submissive, encouraging, giving him advice without nagging, and in turn he loved me in a way I didn’t think happened in real life. All was well… until it wasn’t.

At the time I’m writing this I can’t even tell you the exact month this argument was. In fact, I can’t even tell you what the topic of the argument was. That is crazy because at the time it truly felt like our marriage was in a desperate state. My husband had made a choice that really bothered me. Ok, bothered is too light of a term. I was furious with the choice he had made. My husband came to me and asked my advice on the topic, and I gave him incredibly wise counsel. (Don’t roll your eyes at me! Yes, I know how prideful it is, but that is how I felt). I gave my counsel and then sat back. I was incredibly pleased with myself knowing that God was going to pull my husband the right way, which was obviously the way I believed we should go. My husband chose a different way, and I was shocked! I was shocked at my husband, and at God, to be honest. I had been kind in my speech. I had been a help meet like God made me to be. I gave my advice and then submitted to my husband for him to make the final choice. So, what happened? "I did my part, God, what happened?"

I can’t remember the topic we were at odds over, but I remember vividly how I felt. I felt like my husband didn’t value my opinion. Did he not know or understand I was here to help? I felt like he was disrespectful to not have taken my advice. To add even more pride to my problem, I wanted God to explain to me why this happened. I was upset for days! This is so unusual for my husband and me. When we have argued before, it usually lasts at most a few hours before we find a resolution and make up. This time was different, and one problem led to another. Because I was so mad, you can imagine how unreverent I was being and how unkind my speech was toward him. He responded with the same energy, and this went on for about five days. I could not see a way out of this.

I guess God had had enough of my self-righteousness and decided to wake me up to my own issues. It was Sunday morning, and we still weren’t really talking. So, we went to separate church services. I remember my prayers being along the lines of “God, get your son.” It was just a shocker to me that I had done everything God said for a wife to do and these were my results. I got to church just in time for worship. Even in worship, I was praying for God to correct my husband. Then my Pastor came onto the stage, began Communion, and my heart sank! I have never felt such despair and conviction in my life. Let me explain. My Pastor is a very by the Bible preacher (which I love), and before Communion he reminds us of a few Scriptures. First, he reminds the congregation that Communion is worship reserved for the Body of Christ and reads the following Scripture:

"Whoever, therefore, eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty concerning the body and blood of the Lord. Let a person examine himself, then, and so eat of the bread and drink of the cup. For anyone who eats and drinks without discerning the body eats and drinks judgment on himself."

1 Corinthians 11:27-29

The second thing he reminded us of is to repent of any sin we may have in our lives, and forgive those we haven’t. The Scripture he used was Matthew 5:23-24:

"So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift."

The tears started falling as my pastor continued his speech getting to the part where we should refrain from participating if we are not yet in this place. I realized I could not worship God with a clean heart and mind because I was holding onto unforgiveness. I knew I had to make a choice. When I say I love God, it is not just something I just say. I am desperate for fellowship with Him. In that moment, I realized that nothing, and I mean nothing, was worth me not being in communion with God. I texted my husband right then. I told him I wanted to talk to him when I got home. I bowed my head as our Pastor gave us a time to pray before Communion, and I repented. I prayed for forgiveness for the way I had treated my husband, how I had treated God as if He owed me an explanation, and for how I had been prideful and entitled. I left all of my anger, hurt, and pride right there and took communion. In that moment God reminded me of Titus 2:4.

"...and so train the young women to love their husbands and children."

The Scripture I thought I didn’t need, had now been illuminated in my life. To genuinely love my husband meant I had to sacrifice those feelings on the alter. He wasn’t trying to hurt me. My husband always tries to make the wisest choices, and he loves our family more than anything. I know this fact, and yet I allowed my feelings to separate us for almost a week. I had treated him so unkind and unloving because I thought I was right, and he was wrong. I did not love my husband the way God required me to. It’s interesting that God used the Word “train” and now I see why. It takes practice and training to get to a place where we love our husband at God’s standard despite the choices they make or the things they do. It is not the butterflies and sweet kisses kind of love. This is the Romans 5:8 type of love.

"...but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us."

Romans 5:8

While your husband makes bad choices – you are to love him.

While your husband ignores your advice – you are to love him.

While your husband seems unappreciative of you – you are to love him.

While your husband seems to not be following God – you are to love him.

It was that day that I learned what loving my husband was. It took me being so in love with God to realize it though. To genuinely love your husband, you must first love God and love His commands. That time in my life God really made it clear to me that my issue wasn’t even about my husband. No matter what my husband does or says I will be the one alone standing before God giving and account for what I did, said, and thought. I won’t get the chance to explain to him that “this man he gave me” was the problem. I am solely responsible for living out the commands that I knew and being that I spent a year already studying biblical womanhood I truly was without excuse. It is this love, fear, and respect for the Lord that gave me no choice but to drop my offense at the feet of Jesus that day in church.

When I got home that day, I talked with my husband. I apologized for my behavior and told him about my experience at church. We set some boundaries we felt were necessary for something like this to not have the chance to creep back into our relationship. The best part was his response. He told me that he was shocked at my sudden change. That he hadn’t taken communion when he went to the first service because of our fighting. He told me that my experience was a show of someone faith and love for God that he had never seen before. The fact that God allowed me to be a witness to my husband in this moment was so gracious because I didn’t deserve it. Here is what I know sister,

• You cannot genuinely love your husband until you love God.

• You cannot love God while not being loving to your husband.

Yes, learning Biblical womanhood is a blessing. Learning how to be kind, modest, gentle, submissive, a keeper of the home, and a help meet to your husband are all vital to the proper alignment of a Godly home. However, above all of that learning to love your husband reigns supreme. Who would have known?

"Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice at wrongdoing but rejoices with the truth. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things."

1 Corinthians 13:4-7

Oh, right, God knew, and He tried to tell me. I just wasn’t listening. I think it’s so crazy how I truly don’t remember what the argument was about. I guess that’s assurance that I did let go when I repented to God. I pray you too, if you haven’t already, will reach a point in your walk with the Lord where you genuinely love God more than anything else. Love God to the point where you refuse to hold unforgiveness, you refuse to hold anger, you refuse to hold onto offense. Love God to the point where nothing will come between you being able to worship Him. At that point, we have the tools we need to live out all of Titus 2, but especially verse four, which I will leave you with one last time. Because even if you don’t think it's for you, as your big sister in faith I promise you it is.

"...and so train the young women to love their husbands and children… that the word of God may not be reviled."

Titus 2: 4-5