Hey There

When I look back over my life, I am in awe of how God’s fingerprints are fully revealed. Though my parents had a disdain for anything of God, my grandparents on my dad’s side took me to church from the time I was born. At the age of 8, I "accepted God into my heart" with the sinner’s prayer at VBS. To be honest, it was only because I was in fear the images I had been shown of people going to hell on Wednesday evenings and the fear of going there myself. Romans 2:4 says that God’s goodness is meant to lead one to repentance.

 

​In other words, fear tactics do not lead one to turn away from their sins to God. But, what did I know? I was only 8 years old. From that point on, I labeled myself a Christian. Because I had a very dysfunctional home, my grandparent’s home and church was my home away from home. I will be grateful for that for the rest of my life. I love the people in my family and that church. However, I never truly studied or read God’s Word and did not have the desire to. I was just trying to survive and make a way out for myself.

 

Fast forward to adulthood as I graduated, I stopped going to church and moved, but continued to label myself a Christian. I led a very self-destructive lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, and all of the things that go along with that for a few years until I met my current husband, Chris, of 20 years. We got pregnant, and 6 days after I had my daughter, I had my first seizure. From then on, for the next 15 years, my life was hell on earth, or it seemed that way. 

It took 12 years for them to figure out I have Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. At that time, I turned to everything BUT God. I ended up on 11 different medications and my mental and emotional health were a wreck. I got involved with a group of women who labeled themselves Word of Faith. (Disclaimer: Please hear me when I say this. I am not speaking to the beliefs of the women in that group. I still love them dearly. I can only tell you what happened with me.) I didn’t know what Word of Faith was, but it promised that God would heal my illness and love me unconditionally if I just had enough faith and spoke it into being. The path that led me down was dark and anything BUT an answered prayer.

 

I ended up in full deliverance, including doing it on others, in hopes of earning God’s favor. It was a relentless chase of trying to find my identity in Christ. Proof- text after proof-text, my husband and I relentlessly argued over my lifestyle. You see, he was always on the more reformed side of things and was never involved in that. The entire 11 years, he spoke truth into me as much as he possibly could. In 
fact, Chris said he presented the Gospel to me multiple times in “one form or another.”

All of those years, I questioned whether my husband was actually saved. The problem was it was my heart that needed mending, not his. I remember telling my husband, “You do realize you’re in the minority in the way you believe, right?” We were once again arguing about the spiritual gifts. What I didn’t know until later was that was the moment Chris gave up on me. Up until that point, he had been praying for me every night he was home off of the road while I was asleep, laying hands on me in faith that the Lord would bring me out of all of that. Because of my hurtful words, my husband walked away from the situation. However, I believe that’s when God started doing a work in me. 

Some things began happening. The phrase, “give me the eyes to see and ears to hear” kept coming into my head. It wouldn’t go away. The only thing I knew to do was pray it, so I did. I was finally truly seeking God. Several months later, I remember falling on my face, my hands and knees, crying out to God, not knowing what to do when I walked away from those women. I was truly heartbroken, but I knew my lifestyle was against God. I didn’t know how I was going to get through everything. I had never felt so alone in my life. It was just me and God. I had to completely put my faith in Him and that He would lead me into full truth through His Word and eventually soften my husband’s heart towards me. I was deeply ashamed of the hurt I had caused to my husband, my daughter, but especially God.

It was that day, May 7, 2020, when I responded in obedience by walking away from all I had known for 11 years, I fell to my knees. I call it my "Count the  It was then that I had my count the cost moment and the Lord made me a new creation. I quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey after 24 years of smoking. I was worried about being obedient to God and whether my actions were loving towards Him and those around me. The way I dressed changed and my behavior changed. The way I treated His Word and read His Word changed. I went from being one Jesus did not know to having a relationship with Him. As an added bonus, because God is just this good, my marriage has been fully restored. Chris and I are on the same page 
spiritually for the first time in our marriage. What an amazing Father we serve!

When I look back over my life, I am in awe of how God’s fingerprints are fully revealed. Though my parents had a disdain for anything of God, my grandparents on my dad’s side took me to church from the time I was born. At the age of 8, I "accepted God into my heart" with the sinner’s prayer at VBS. To be honest, it was only because I was in fear the images I had been shown of people going to hell on Wednesday evenings and the fear of going there myself. Romans 2:4 says that God’s goodness is meant to lead one to repentance.

 

​In other words, fear tactics do not lead one to turn away from their sins to God. But, what did I know? I was only 8 years old. From that point on, I labeled myself a Christian. Because I had a very dysfunctional home, my grandparent’s home and church was my home away from home. I will be grateful for that for the rest of my life. I love the people in my family and that church. However, I never truly studied or read God’s Word and did not have the desire to. I was just trying to survive and make a way out for myself.

 

Fast forward to adulthood as I graduated, I stopped going to church and moved, but continued to label myself a Christian. I led a very self-destructive lifestyle of drugs, alcohol, and all of the things that go along with that for a few years until I met my current husband, Chris, of 20 years. We got pregnant, and 6 days after I had my daughter, I had my first seizure. From then on, for the next 15 years, my life was hell on earth, or it seemed that way. 

It took 12 years for them to figure out I have Juvenile Myoclonic Epilepsy. At that time, I turned to everything BUT God. I ended up on 11 different medications and my mental and emotional health were a wreck. I got involved with a group of women who labeled themselves Word of Faith. (Disclaimer: Please hear me when I say this. I am not speaking to the beliefs of the women in that group. I still love them dearly. I can only tell you what happened with me.) I didn’t know what Word of Faith was, but it promised that God would heal my illness and love me unconditionally if I just had enough faith and spoke it into being. The path that led me down was dark and anything BUT an answered prayer.

 

I ended up in full deliverance, including doing it on others, in hopes of earning God’s favor. It was a relentless chase of trying to find my identity in Christ. Proof- text after proof-text, my husband and I relentlessly argued over my lifestyle. You see, he was always on the more reformed side of things and was never involved in that. The entire 11 years, he spoke truth into me as much as he possibly could. In 
fact, Chris said he presented the Gospel to me multiple times in “one form or another.”

All of those years, I questioned whether my husband was actually saved. The problem was it was my heart that needed mending, not his. I remember telling my husband, “You do realize you’re in the minority in the way you believe, right?” We were once again arguing about the spiritual gifts. What I didn’t know until later was that was the moment Chris gave up on me. Up until that point, he had been praying for me every night he was home off of the road while I was asleep, laying hands on me in faith that the Lord would bring me out of all of that. Because of my hurtful words, my husband walked away from the situation. However, I believe that’s when God started doing a work in me. 

Some things began happening. The phrase, “give me the eyes to see and ears to hear” kept coming into my head. It wouldn’t go away. The only thing I knew to do was pray it, so I did. I was finally truly seeking God. Several months later, I remember falling on my face, my hands and knees, crying out to God, not knowing what to do when I walked away from those women. I was truly heartbroken, but I knew my lifestyle was against God. I didn’t know how I was going to get through everything. I had never felt so alone in my life. It was just me and God. I had to completely put my faith in Him and that He would lead me into full truth through His Word and eventually soften my husband’s heart towards me. I was deeply ashamed of the hurt I had caused to my husband, my daughter, but especially God.

It was that day, May 7, 2020, when I responded in obedience by walking away from all I had known for 11 years, I fell to my knees. I call it my "Count the  It was then that I had my count the cost moment and the Lord made me a new creation. I quit smoking cigarettes cold turkey after 24 years of smoking. I was worried about being obedient to God and whether my actions were loving towards Him and those around me. The way I dressed changed and my behavior changed. The way I treated His Word and read His Word changed. I went from being one Jesus did not know to having a relationship with Him. As an added bonus, because God is just this good, my marriage has been fully restored. Chris and I are on the same page 
spiritually for the first time in our marriage. What an amazing Father we serve!